Assassins' In A Box
by porkybun
Summary: Welcome to the new reality drama! Here we will get to see the characters of the Assassin's Creed series interact with each other! Prepare for lots of laughs, awkward situations and much more! Rated T/M for language, the uncertain future, and fangasm XD
1. Chapter 1

In the industrial district, in an abandoned warehouse, two fangirls have constructed a plain, rectangular, white room, with nothing (that seems) but a one way window/whiteboard, and a door to a bathroom.

"Hey," one girl says, "How's the room going?"

"Oh, it's fine," says the other, "it would be so much better, if you DID something"

Pie_is_God sucks on a juice box, not looking impressed with the white room. "You could do better." She says bluntly "Look, the paints peeling off." She points to one side of the room.

Laris and Pie look at the same side of the room. Laris yells angrily. "Argh! That's it! I give up!"

She storms off in the direction to the door that leads to the secret room behind the whiteboard. Pie picks up the paintbrush, strokes once onto the peeling paint. "There~ All done!"

She tosses the paintbrush, and it hits Laris in the head. Leaving white paint on her black hair. Laris growls.

Pie closes the secret doorway to the control room which is behind the whiteboard, and activates the computers.

"Now then… time for the fun to start!" Pie says happily. She then notices a camera man with a camera standing in the corner, recording. Pie covers the camera. "Hey! Who are you!" she says defensively.

"Calm down." Laris says while wiping paint off her hair. "He's here to record everything."

"What? Why?"

"You don't seriously think _I _went through all this trouble just for the two of us?"

"Yes I did."

"Well I didn't. This will be like a drama show. Watching them interacting with each other. I think it would be very beneficial for not just us, but the public as well. Though, for legal reasons," she looks at camera. "All the characters from Assassins' Creed series belong to Ubisoft…"

"So, every episode; or whenever we so desire, we'll be adding a character or two, into the room. All for your viewing pleasure" Laris smiles a "lets-have-fun" smile.

"Well, let's get started!"

* * *

**Chapter One – The Beginnings of the experiment (Oh ho ho)**

Altair Ibn La'Ahad was once again at his desk; where people can find the Master assassin most days; watching over Assassin business and developments. He was writing a new codex page; another which he hoped the future Assassin's could benefit from. His friend, Malik, walks in with a strange proposal.

"Altair, what if you were to GET OFF YOUR ASS AND KILL SOMEONE! I'm so bored..."

Altair simply stared back with an unsurprised face, and replied, in his sarcastic voice: "You mean, someone like you?" he said, with a smirk.

Malik stomped his foot on the group and slammed his hand on the desk, and looked at Altair in the eyes, and said, "Never... fucking... mind." He turned and kicked the chair nearest to him. He began making his way out, when...

With a flash; Altair vanished, and Malik turned to see his brother had 'magically' disappeared. Malik jumped up into the air, and dance around, until he was 'magically' sucked into the wormhole.

Altair fell into the White Room, through the portal, and landed cat-like on the ground. He looked around confused, until he heard a sound coming from the roof. To much of his discomfort, the portal re-opened and a familiar figure fell through; landed right on top of him.

"Oh, hello Altair; thank you for breaking my fall." He said with a sinister smile.

Altair's face grew redder and redder. He grabbed Malik and flung him off. "Get off me you...!"

Malik stood and dusted himself off. "I just got here, and you abuse me alrea-" he suddenly stopped and took time to look at his surroundings. While doing so, he started to get pale.

"Altair... where are we?"

* * *

So, as I said in the description I gave earlier, this is really just silly mush that's really just made up between me and my friend on our way to school every morning. XD

This is really for people who want a laugh, or something random and easy to read. It's not going to be anything amazing, but we hope to make some good times here :3  
Note: I do know that Malik and etc don't exactly swear like that.... but, this is a "what ever goes" fanfic. XD

This was really short, but we hope you guys will come back and read more chapters that will come….

Draconlaris


	2. Chapter 2

Hi there! Chapter update! (whoot!)

Thank you to those who have added this to their alerts; you don't know how much it means to us! ^^  
And thank you to Name Not Specified for the review ^^

Well, heres the chapter! enjoy~

**

* * *

Chapter 2: Welcome; to the White Room! (My children~….oh ho ho)**

Altair and Malik studied their surroundings for awhile. Malik's face was as pale as the sleek, plain, and empty white room they seemed to find themselves in. Altair is suddenly surprised when Malik starts to scream and run around like a maniac.

"WAHHHH!" he starts, "ITS CLEANER THAN MY BUREAU!" He goes up to Altair. "Do something _please! _I don't know if I can stand it!" He grabs Altair and starts to violently shake him. He then stops and looked up at him. "Hold me Altair..."

He looked at Altair like a damsel-in-distress. Altair slaps him. "Get a hold of yourself! You're an assassin; well... you were. Until you turned into a little girl, that is." Malik wipes his nose on his sleeve and puts a serious face on.

"Fine! Then where are we, Mr. Smarty-Assassin-Pants." Altair stared back at him, wind blew into his robes; well technically air conditioning, and said in a manly American voice; "I...have no idea."

Malik breaks down, and starts to laugh like a maniac again. "Do you want me to slap you again?" says Altair.

Malik stands up; with air conditioning in his robes; slightly chilling him. "Well, not really." he says in a mocking voice, mimicking Altair.

Altair gives him his pissy-face, and starts to examine the room thoroughly. Malik sits on his butt, and starts to sing some little kid, Assassin song.

_I'm an assassin. _  
_I serve Al Mualim._  
_But just last month, _  
_we threw him in the bin_

_I'm an Assassin_  
_I'm really really great_  
_All the girls want to ask me on a date._  
_My name is Malik; _  
_I've got no left arm. _  
_But I've got my charisma._

"That's not how it goes." interrupts Altair. He continues to study the white room. The room is rectangular shaped. He notices a door on one side of the room. On the wall adjacent to that wall is a strange white, cold, metallic surface; slightly sticking out from the wall.

_(Laris: That's a one-way whiteboard. We are currently behind it. :3)_

Altair then noticed a black object in the corner of two walls. "Huh? What is that?" he mumbled. It made odd noises, and moved side to side, up and down. He had some kind of round, glass material over the 'eye' and seemed to stare right at Altair. It sent a shock wave of nervousness down his spine. He managed to use the wall to push himself up, because he somehow got his hidden blade through it. He dropped back onto the ground; landing on his two feet, and the black object crumpled and shattered into even smaller pieces.

While behind the one-way white board...  
"Oh Shit! He killed the camera!" exclaimed Pie.

"Didn't I tell you to hide it like the others!" screams Laris.  
Pie stares at her. There's an awkward silence between them. "Um... maybe?"  
The cameraman silently continues to record them. Behind him are a few more people who have joined in to edit footage.

Malik looks at what remained of the camera. "Altair, what is that? How come you used your hidden blade on it?"

"It moved and seemed to look at me… It looked into my… soul…"

Malik simply stared, before laughing his head off. Altair growled at him. "You would have done the same if it were you…"

Malik kept laughing. "This must be some kind of Templar weapon." Altair said, ignoring Malik's laughs. He tapped the remains of the camera with his foot. "This whole place must have something to do with the Templars. Who else would want to trap us?"

Malik had stopped laughing. "Well, being the jerk you are Altair, there's probably plenty of people who would want to kill you."

"Well, if that's the case… why are you here too?" Altair said, with a sly grin.

Malik stared back, lost for words. Altair shook his head.

A strange sound started to emit from the roof; the spot in which they both fell from. They started to approach to have a look; until a figure fell in. They landed hard on their stomach.

The man groaned. He too, like Altair had a hood over his face. His clothes were strange to Altair and Malik. His hood was apart of a thick shirt, with blue, rough material pants, and the oddest foot ware they had ever seen.

"Who are you?" Altair said to the man when he got up, sword drawn. The man turned, surprise on his face. "…Altair?"

Altair was taken back slightly. "How… how do you know my name?"

"It's a long story… but simply put, I'm your descendant; and my names Desmond Miles."

* * *

Hope you enjoyed it! Please Review!

Laris


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**** – Assassin Lineage**

Desmond explained to Altair about them as simple as he could. But Altair was having a hard time taking it all in.

"You… are my descendant?" Altair said. "But, how can that be?""

"Look, don't ask… I really don't know how we are both here…" he said in a puzzled tone.

_(__WE DO~~! Screamed the girls behind the whiteboard.)_

Malik made a very thoughtful face. "I think I'm meant to say something deep, smart and meaningful…" Malik scratches his head, and makes a goofy smile. "But I got nothing..!" (:D)

An awkward silence began. Malik stared back and forth from the ancestor and the descendant. He suddenly yells: "HEY! HE LOOKS LIKE YOU! You didn't tell me you had a brother!" Malik's voice suddenly dropped. "I though I was your brother." He makes a pitiful sad face, and whimpers silently.

"Uh, you obviously weren't paying attention…" Desmond said with an un-amused look.

"I am not your real brother Malik. It is simply a saying within our order." Altair stately emotionlessly.

"I know that. B-b-but it made me feel special." Malik said, in a quiet mumble.

The ancestor and descendant simply sighed at the _Dai._

Altair turns to his descendant, and points his finger at him. "So, let me get this straight… I am your…" he takes a deep breath. "Great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great-grandfather?"

Desmond chuckles lightly. "Not sure exactly, but you finally get it at least."

Suddenly the hole in the roof re-opens. While Altair and Desmond sigh, Malik very quietly squeals… not sure why…

A shadow became immanent; a longer shadow on his left arm. The figure landed with a grunt; although on his feet unlike the earlier assassins who failed to land on their feet (not including Altair, 'cause he did! Until Malik squashed him…). He was crouching when he landed. He was also wearing the mantel of the Assassin order, however his robes were highly decorated, detailed, and obviously more durable and better quality than of Altair and Malik.

He finally stood up, and the first thing he notices was the three gawking Assassins who were staring at his totally epic entrance.

"Ezio?" Desmond managed to say after a long period of an awkward silence.

Ezio was surprised. He started to speak truckloads of Italian; which only Desmond could understand thanks to the Bleeding Effect. Malik and Altair didn't bother to try to understand or try to talk to the man. Desmond eventually managed to get Ezio to speak English.

After a long period of explaining what they knew of the mysterious White Room, and why Desmond looked just like Altair and Ezio, Ezio thought for awhile. Ezio knew Altair as his ancestor, but had no idea who Desmond was obviously.

Eventually they started to talk about their current situation. None of them liked what has happened to them, and would definitely enjoy going back to their own lives.

One topic led from one to another. From telling each other where they had all just come from, to the soul-peering weapon. Desmond couldn't help but laugh at the Masyaf assassins.

"It's not really a weapon, nor is it 'soul peering'. It's what we call a camera."

"A camera?" the other three said in unison.

"What is a 'camera'?" Ezio said with his thick Italian accent.

"It's a device of our modern age in which we can use to spy or look at other people in a room we are not in."

"So… it is used to observe people we can not directly see?" asked Malik. Malik thought it _meant Souls._ Perhaps spirits?

"Yeah…" Desmond was surprised he grasped the idea so easily.

"Hmm." Ezio prodded at the camera with his finger. "I do not see how it saw through your soul Grand-papa."

Altair stared at the Italian assassin emotionlessly. "First of all, do not call me your… 'grand-papa'. Secondly, I have destroyed it already, so of course it will not stare into your soul…"

"It doesn't stare into your soul Altair… But maybe you felt the presence of the people who have captured us here looking at you?"

It made sense somewhat to the Grand Master.

"If only my friend, Leonardo was here. He is an inventor; he would not only be able to tell us," he pointed to himself and the two assassins of Masyaf, "Properly what this… device is…" he waved his arms around trying to make some sense.

Desmond pouted. He knew they didn't get it.

All of a sudden, the portal opened and someone else fell in. Ezio's arms; which were still out stretched, caught this person.

"Why it's you Leonardo! Speak of the devil!" Ezio laughed.

"Oh, why Ezio!" Leonardo said surprised. "I was wondering where you went. I had finished deciphering this codex page you gave me. When I was finished, I turned around and you were not there anymore. Oh, and, thank you for catching me…" Leonardo coughed. Ezio had caught Leo in a wedding style. You know, when the man carries his wife…

_(OMG! YAOI MOMENT MUCH! *Laris snaps a picture of the two)_

Ezio put his friend down, patted his friend on the back and laughed awkwardly.

* * *

Sorry for the late update . Both of us had shit loads of work for school due at the same time. I had two very over-due projects and all that. Anyway. Currently on study leave, so since I was bored of studying I though I might as well do some writing

Pardon the bad grammar and English if there's anything wrong . I'm not really thinking properly.

Hope you all enjoyed it!

Before I go, I wanted to let you guys in on something. We have something we'd like to call Chibi-chapters. Now these aren't directly related to the storyline, but are small stories we made up that's just funny. (AU okay?) First one should come out with the next chapter!

Long time now, but thanks again to Name Not Specified for reviewing! Our only reviewer… Sniff… HAVE A COOKIE FRIEND!

Reviews are nice, but knowing you guys are reading is the best. Thanks to everyone who is watching this. I like reviews because it lets me know what you guys like, and what you don't. So please do review! I want to do better for all of you!

Thanks for reading~~

~Draconlaris


	4. The Bureau

**Hi everyone~ Sorry for such a delay! WE AREN'T DEAD. My how time flies! Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year! Its a really late. sorry**

**But we have an update for you all~~ Pie did most of this one C: I'm so proud of her!**

**Anyway – we hope you guys are all good. We are in the last year of Secondary school (highschool), and it's really demanding, but we'll be trying to update more regularly. :)**

**Thank you everyone especially these people~~**

Boxed Moonlight

Lucan07

egiaprevolg

Name Not Specified

FFNaru134

PixelShadow

Sylanc

MasterAetos

Kira440

Riku-Is-Cool-Beans

x-Pick'n'Mix-x

xXfigxXD

Qianbashium

Thank you to all the people have faved this story! You don't know how much it means to us!

**I HAVE UPLOADED TWO CHAPTERS AT ONCE SO READ THE NEXT ONE! **I did promise a "Chibi chapter". So please read! :)

Enjoy! And please review~~!

P.S Please pardon any mistakes – I tried to proof read this

orz

* * *

**Chapter Four – The Bureau**

"I have something you might find interesting Leonardo" Ezio said, leading Leonardo to the camera.

Leonardo jump over to it with excitement. He spoke as he studied it more. "Oh thank you Ezio! First you give me codex pages, now this interesting device." Leonardo said with a smile. The other three looked at each other and had a bit of sick in their mouth from the gay love before them and Desmond felt sorry for Leonardo for he knew what the device was.

Leo noticed the other three and walked up to them "Excuse me! How rude of me. I have not introduced myself to the friends of Ezio. My name is Leonardo da Vinci!" he said with a small bow.

(AN: "When I was editing this, the bow in 'small bow' had a blue line under it, so I checked it and it suggested bowl haha! 'He said with a small BOWL!' stupid vista" - Pie)

"Leonardo, everyone will know who you are, in time." Desmond mumbled quietly to himself.

Altair couldn't help but feel uncomfortable of Leonardo's presence. _He seems like a nice guy but I fear he might be hitting on me with his eyes..._ Malik thought as well: _Is __it a girl or a guy? _Malik looked at his curly blonde hair, and then the stubble.

Ezio watched the Arabic assassins staring at his friend, noticing the feeling he

somewhat first had when he met Leonardo. "Nothing like a bearded woman; aye men?" said Ezio teasingly as the Altair and Malik stared back at him in disgust.

As Ezio smiled at his bad joke and patted the shoulders of his assassin friends.

"Well, my friends, how about we check this place out in detail... _si_?"

Altair and Desmond nodded. Malik copied the other two.

Altair started on one side of the room. "There is nothing but…white"

Ezio started on the other side "Nothing here ...Oh, Mama mia!" Ezio exclaimed, looking around the room. "Where did Grand-papa go?" Altair's pure white robes caused him to blend with the walls. Ezio clicked his fingers. "No, no. It's fine! I found

him! I can see his red ass." he said pointing to the red trail of fabric. A shiver was sent down Altair's spine as he was violated by his Grand-son when he patted him in the rear.

("Can Altair charge Ezio with sex abuse?" Pie said in a questioning tone. Laris looked at Pie like she was the biggest** derp** in the world. "What. I was just asking..." Pie mumbled in reply, playing with her hair.)

Malik on the other hand saw something "Look my brothers! There is a shine in the distance..." Malik reached out to touch it while the others gathered around him. As Malik applied pressure to it, it seemed to be a door in which opened and inside was the porcelain bowl!

"_Bene." _said Ezio patting Malik on the shoulder as they made progress to solving the White Room.

Desmond sighed and went away as the others gasped at its marvel. "Ohhh~ Ahhh~" It was clean and white with a sink and a toilet. Altair was impressed by the décor, Ezio liked the curves on the bowl and Malik ran into it and shut the door on everyone. "This will be my new Bureau!" said Malik with excitement. It was cool, trendy, and much better than his one back at home. _Allah! _Malik thought. _It flushes! _Which he tested out many… many times. Malik pressed up against the door to make sure the other two wouldn't ruin his fun with the flusher.

Altair and Ezio tried to open to door, saying Malik was not playing fair. Only to be interrupted by the familiar portal on the roof that had opened again; and the squeal of a woman could be heard. She landed roughly on the ground, mumbling a small 'Ow.'.

Ezio turned to see fair blond woman. "_Madonna..._"


	5. ChibiChapter One

**How Malik REALLY lost his arm – Chibi chapter 1**

* * *

In a land far, far away called Masyaf, there were two little assassins training for their sword licence.

"Hey Altair" said Malik in his squeaky voice for his balls hadn't dropped yet.

"Yeah?" replied Altair in a deep voice, for his balls had dropped.

"I bet I'll get my licence before you!"

"Oh yeah?"

Altair dropped his wooden sword and went to grab a sword of the rack. Struggling with the weight of it, he held it up in two hands, walked to towards Malik then his hand slipped.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY ARM!" Malik squeaked in pain.

Altair dropped the sword and put his hands to his mouth. Out of the hilltop building, Al Mualim, the leader of all assassins came out into the training courtyard. He showed no panic, no fear. He looked over Malik on his keens holding his 'flesh wound' and then turned to Altair who had fear in his eyes. Altair tried to say something but the words never came out.

"Altair" said Al Mualim in a slow, cool tone.

Altair froze all over, his body went numb. Al Mualim placed his hand on his small shoulder and from under his hood, a smile formed.

"Good job Altair! You have earned your sword licence! This allows you to wear a sword on your person and to use it in aid to follow the creed we live by. Have a good day boys." Al Mualim said with a big smile on his face as he handed Altair a signed piece of parchment with his name on it. Altair looked over it with wide eyes.

"Cool" he said.

As for Malik, he'll get over it!

-

"And that's how I really lost my arm!" Malik says cheerfully.

"It's all bullshit." said Altair with a glare.

* * *

_By Pie_

_:D_


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